Although I went to a Church of England school I was not brought
up in a religious family. My few memories of going to church were ones
of lack. The Wednesday morning service often left me feeling embarrassed
because I didn't have a penny for the plate! The 'Harvest' brought up
the same feelings as we often were unable to afford to bring any food or
if we did it was just a can of something. I thought others were judging
me!
We had Religious Education classes and although I have vague memories of Jesus I can't be sure what those memories hold. However, I have a strong feeling that the teachings of Jesus had a huge impact on me as a child and later as an adult. As I remember, the crucifixion received much more attention than the resurrection and this impacted on me so profoundly.
Even as a young girl I think I was appalled by the betrayal, the degradation and the suffering leading up to and during the crucifixion. Now looking back I wonder if those teachings took me away from what I already knew to be true. As the fear of God heightened in me I lost the real sense of my faithful self. When I lost that faith I forgot myself and I began to remember and believe what others were telling me. I developed a man-made belief system that over-rode my natural Self Belief.
No wonder I was angry with God and unforgiving of man. No wonder I resisted in following in the foot steps of Jesus. It explains why I resisted so hard accepting the love of God for myself. No wonder I have denied myself the love of a good man. No wonder I have been so self-willed with an 'I do it my self' attitude. No wonder I have been afraid for most of my life. No wonder I grew up seeing through the eyes of betrayal and suffering and degradation. No wonder I wanted to save the world. I wanted to resurrect the love in our hearts to replace the so-called sin, guilt and the unforgivable. Wow that's a lot of wondering isn't it?
Four decades later, there I was still struggling with God. Now I realise that it wasn't God I struggled with but the perception I held about God that left me afraid and with an inner struggle. Even the word God was uncomfortable and I found my self using labels like Higher Self, Universal Self, Spiritual Self and Self Love. Again, God wasn't my problem; what other people might think about me and God was a big problem, especially my friends and family. I was prepared to try anything to avoid God and his associations. I would use any other word rather than have to join a religion and face rejection. What I didn't realise at the time was that I was hating and rejecting the most intimate aspect of my Self and that very Self I was searching for.
And so it goes, that which you resist persists and low and behold I ended up going to church; many churches in fact because I found it difficult to surrender completely to their teachings. I was uncomfortable and mostly afraid.
According to some Christian teachings, therapies such as hypnosis, NLP (neuro linguistic programming), Yoga and Tai Chi and energy healing were of the devil. I spent many years in conflict because of my work and my association with other alternative therapists who did not meet with the Christian values. And even though these 'devilish' practices were helping me to get deeper into myself, I still heard and at some level believed what those religious non-believers told me. Underneath fear of the devil was looming.
'I AM'... Beyond fear
It took me a number of years before I finally got it. By changing my perception I came to realise that the churches were not teaching through fear as I had accused them but instead they were God's gift to me, reflecting back the unconscious fearful beliefs and judgments I had developed about Religion, God and myself since childhood. As I believed so God became - I was scaring my self half-to-death.
Over the next few years I had many amazing experiences which at times frightened me because they were not necessarily Christian like - or so I thought. I began to question whether I really fitted into this way of life. I was constantly asking for guidance and reassurance. "God, I can't seem to read the Bible" I said out loud. And to my surprise the answer came back "We are not asking you to read the Bible. We want you to open your heart. The Bible is written on your heart and as you open it you will find the messages we want you to have." Many times I did find the words to say, not from the Bible but from opening up and speaking with my heart.
My enthusiasm to know more about God continued but my zest for the church started to fade. Finally, my precious time with the church came to an end but only after I learned some valuable lessons.
Now I see religion differently and God no longer frightens me. Today, I am wary of man without the heart of God. God didn't create religion man did. I see religion as a collection of Spiritual teachings interpreted by man and then delivered through man-made belief system. I think that those non-believers of alternative therapies were exercising man's will not God's.
I came to realise that the devil is really fear in disguise. Now even further down the track I realise that if only love is real then anything that isn't love originates from an unreal man-made belief.
I think that developing spirituality is as natural as developing our mind and body and together they make up our holistic self. And there is no one way to do that, only a way that is perfect for each and every one of us. I think that many religious groups are more about conforming to man's will and man's way which to me often lends itself to a madman's world.
I came to understand from those experiences that we don't always get what we want, we get what we believe. When I chose to follow a Spiritual path I began a journey of transforming those mad-man-made beliefs opening the portal to remembering my true and faithful Self.
'I AM'... The perfect solution
When I look back through the eyes of love instead of fear everything has changed. It took many more years, but as I cleaned beyond the surface of the mirror I began to see more clearly the perfect image of my self, love and God standing in the one light.
I feel as if I have been all the way around the world seeking to find myself only to arrive home again discovering that what I was looking for was always here, right here under my nose, right inside myself.
Did I find my God Self or did I remember my Self as God? I am 63 years young and I feel I am just beginning to appreciate a Life that grows and flows through me with a will for me to express 'It' in a personal and faithful way - way beyond all belief.
We had Religious Education classes and although I have vague memories of Jesus I can't be sure what those memories hold. However, I have a strong feeling that the teachings of Jesus had a huge impact on me as a child and later as an adult. As I remember, the crucifixion received much more attention than the resurrection and this impacted on me so profoundly.
Even as a young girl I think I was appalled by the betrayal, the degradation and the suffering leading up to and during the crucifixion. Now looking back I wonder if those teachings took me away from what I already knew to be true. As the fear of God heightened in me I lost the real sense of my faithful self. When I lost that faith I forgot myself and I began to remember and believe what others were telling me. I developed a man-made belief system that over-rode my natural Self Belief.
No wonder I was angry with God and unforgiving of man. No wonder I resisted in following in the foot steps of Jesus. It explains why I resisted so hard accepting the love of God for myself. No wonder I have denied myself the love of a good man. No wonder I have been so self-willed with an 'I do it my self' attitude. No wonder I have been afraid for most of my life. No wonder I grew up seeing through the eyes of betrayal and suffering and degradation. No wonder I wanted to save the world. I wanted to resurrect the love in our hearts to replace the so-called sin, guilt and the unforgivable. Wow that's a lot of wondering isn't it?
Four decades later, there I was still struggling with God. Now I realise that it wasn't God I struggled with but the perception I held about God that left me afraid and with an inner struggle. Even the word God was uncomfortable and I found my self using labels like Higher Self, Universal Self, Spiritual Self and Self Love. Again, God wasn't my problem; what other people might think about me and God was a big problem, especially my friends and family. I was prepared to try anything to avoid God and his associations. I would use any other word rather than have to join a religion and face rejection. What I didn't realise at the time was that I was hating and rejecting the most intimate aspect of my Self and that very Self I was searching for.
And so it goes, that which you resist persists and low and behold I ended up going to church; many churches in fact because I found it difficult to surrender completely to their teachings. I was uncomfortable and mostly afraid.
According to some Christian teachings, therapies such as hypnosis, NLP (neuro linguistic programming), Yoga and Tai Chi and energy healing were of the devil. I spent many years in conflict because of my work and my association with other alternative therapists who did not meet with the Christian values. And even though these 'devilish' practices were helping me to get deeper into myself, I still heard and at some level believed what those religious non-believers told me. Underneath fear of the devil was looming.
'I AM'... Beyond fear
It took me a number of years before I finally got it. By changing my perception I came to realise that the churches were not teaching through fear as I had accused them but instead they were God's gift to me, reflecting back the unconscious fearful beliefs and judgments I had developed about Religion, God and myself since childhood. As I believed so God became - I was scaring my self half-to-death.
Over the next few years I had many amazing experiences which at times frightened me because they were not necessarily Christian like - or so I thought. I began to question whether I really fitted into this way of life. I was constantly asking for guidance and reassurance. "God, I can't seem to read the Bible" I said out loud. And to my surprise the answer came back "We are not asking you to read the Bible. We want you to open your heart. The Bible is written on your heart and as you open it you will find the messages we want you to have." Many times I did find the words to say, not from the Bible but from opening up and speaking with my heart.
My enthusiasm to know more about God continued but my zest for the church started to fade. Finally, my precious time with the church came to an end but only after I learned some valuable lessons.
Now I see religion differently and God no longer frightens me. Today, I am wary of man without the heart of God. God didn't create religion man did. I see religion as a collection of Spiritual teachings interpreted by man and then delivered through man-made belief system. I think that those non-believers of alternative therapies were exercising man's will not God's.
I came to realise that the devil is really fear in disguise. Now even further down the track I realise that if only love is real then anything that isn't love originates from an unreal man-made belief.
I think that developing spirituality is as natural as developing our mind and body and together they make up our holistic self. And there is no one way to do that, only a way that is perfect for each and every one of us. I think that many religious groups are more about conforming to man's will and man's way which to me often lends itself to a madman's world.
I came to understand from those experiences that we don't always get what we want, we get what we believe. When I chose to follow a Spiritual path I began a journey of transforming those mad-man-made beliefs opening the portal to remembering my true and faithful Self.
'I AM'... The perfect solution
When I look back through the eyes of love instead of fear everything has changed. It took many more years, but as I cleaned beyond the surface of the mirror I began to see more clearly the perfect image of my self, love and God standing in the one light.
I feel as if I have been all the way around the world seeking to find myself only to arrive home again discovering that what I was looking for was always here, right here under my nose, right inside myself.
Did I find my God Self or did I remember my Self as God? I am 63 years young and I feel I am just beginning to appreciate a Life that grows and flows through me with a will for me to express 'It' in a personal and faithful way - way beyond all belief.
Marie Brunger is an accomplished writer and author and an
inspirational healer and speaker. Her latest book "I AM from fear to
Freedom is a result of a decision she made over 20 years ago to heal her
life and to help others to do the same.
Marie has supported thousands of people through their personal and life threatening challenges to find the freedom to choose who they want in the drivers' seat of their life - Love or fear.
Her philosophy is simple. Instead of searching for what's wrong, and fixing the perceived problem, we look to find all that's right. She says: "I am committed to restoring self-love and making it the foundations for a life of well-being. These strong foundations allow me and you to venture safely and more naturally through the fear to enjoying a higher level of living, loving and achieving. http://www.mariebrunger.com
Marie has supported thousands of people through their personal and life threatening challenges to find the freedom to choose who they want in the drivers' seat of their life - Love or fear.
Her philosophy is simple. Instead of searching for what's wrong, and fixing the perceived problem, we look to find all that's right. She says: "I am committed to restoring self-love and making it the foundations for a life of well-being. These strong foundations allow me and you to venture safely and more naturally through the fear to enjoying a higher level of living, loving and achieving. http://www.mariebrunger.com
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